I’m learning to be silent these days. I’m learning the true meaning behind the phrase, “Silence is golden”. And I’m learning that sometimes it is so stinking hard to keep my mouth shut and just. be. silent. Because there are times in life that require us to be still. We find ourselves in situations where we either have only harsh words that would cause hurt if we allowed them to slip past our lips or we simply have no words to speak that would be an adequate and worthy response.
This is one of the biggest revelations I’ve received as a mother. And I’m realizing that a mother’s ability to be silent is one that changes throughout the years and, depending on the situation, may not always be a choice, but quite often is just simply all that we have to offer.
My kids are still young enough for their infancy to be fresh in my mind. I can still feel their tiny, infant bodies in my arms and see their new, days old, faces staring back up at me. I sat with each of them in the midnight hours of a quiet house and stared at them with a silent awe. The silence that a new mother has in the presence of her baby is filled with wonder, joy, love, hope, faith, fear, gratitude, and so much more. We stare at our perfect babies in silence because there are simply no words that would encompass all of the emotions exploding within our hearts.
Moving into childhood, I’ve had to learn a different kind of silence. One of those “pick your battles” kind of silences. There have been moments when I’m not proud of the way I reacted to my child’s temper tantrum. It doesn’t matter that it was the 43rd time he had thrown himself on the ground screaming about not having any green M&M’s that week. I’ve lost my cool and realized that in doing so I helped no one. So, I’ve had to learn how to walk away. Just be quiet and let him know that he isn’t going to get a reaction. This is one of the hardest forms of silence I’ve had to master so far. It’s not easy to keep my mouth shut when I have SO MUCH TO SAY!
Our children require our silence, too, at times when they are figuring out the world. We can tell them how to do something and show them the way, but ultimately, at some point we have to step back and be an observer as they begin to navigate their journey. We learn to be silent instead of saying, “See, I told you so” when mistakes are made. We keep our mouths shut as we learn that we cannot fight our kids battles, no matter how much we want to. They are going to fight with friends. And while it’s important for us to show them how to be a friend, how to respect people and be kind, at some point we have to be able to step back and watch as they realize that life is hard and people aren’t always kind in return.
I don’t have experience as a mother with kids older than mine but I’ve got a mother that has had a lot of experience in learning what it means to be silent as a mom.
Last week I had the rare privilege to sit and have a face-to-face meaningful conversation with my mom. This is rare these days because we don’t live in the same city and when we are together we often find ourselves wrapped up in family activities. The opportunity to sit, just the two of us, and talk is one that, all too often, eludes us.
We talked about a mother’s silence. About what it has meant to her over the years through the different stages of life and the lessons she learned along the way. We laughed about times she had to find a place of silence and let me walk out of the house wearing clothes that didn’t match and hair that desperately needed styling. Let’s just say that as a pre-teen I wasn’t into fashion. Or shampoo. But I walked out of the house believing I looked good and she didn’t want to damage my confidence. This is a silence I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to master.
There are so many moments, conversations, experiences, arguments that our children go through that we as mothers must simply watch and fight the urge to contribute an opinion to. Their excitement about trying out for a sports team you know they will not make. A girlfriend that you can see is just not that into him. A mistake they made and a consequence they must face. A lie told but no proof to show.
How do we know when to back away in quiet observance and when to step forward and offer parental wisdom? Whether they know it or not, our children rely on us to be the people of honor and integrity that we want them to become. The thought of having to keep some of my opinions to myself as I watch my child grow and learn and become terrifies me.
There are, however, other moments of peaceful quiet that I look forward to. Watching my child walk down the aisle to the person they’ve chosen to create a life of love with. Holding my child’s child in my arms, knowing that only then will my son or daughter realize the depth of their mother’s love. Experiencing the stillness of life–those God-given moments when all is right with the world and I have nothing else to do but just BE with the children that make my heart beat.
The harsh reality of life is that not all moments of quiet are peaceful. There are far too many mamas out there that have known the deafening silence that follows the loss of a child. My own mother has lived through this hell and I can’t begin to imagine the overwhelming sorrow and grief that must have screamed through her insides when there were no words that provided an escape. Then there came a time when she felt like she was finally able to talk, to form words, to make an attempt to get it out. But was met with a new wall of silence as she turned to find someone, anyone, that welcomed an admittedly uncomfortable conversation and came up empty. She sat in silence because she didn’t want to force that awkward conversation on someone. She questioned her ability to open her emotional well without making her listener feel like they needed to respond. And so she sat. Silent.
My mother now faces a new kind of silence as she cares for her aging parents. She is relied upon for her mother’s daily needs–all of them. From breakfast to bedtime, there is little that my grandmother does without the help of my mother. They have found their groove in this new phase of life but it has not been an easy road to navigate. There are still moments when my mom sits in quiet reflection as she realizes that her mother is no longer the strong, in-charge woman of her youth. It’s difficult for her to sit in this new place of silence with the woman that was once silent with her.
Silence is a funny thing. As mothers we start out staring at our babies with silent awe and wonder. Then, throughout life, the silence takes us on twists and turns through joy and sorrow. But in the end, it leaves us again in a state of awe and wonder and we look back with appreciation at the life we lived and those that were a part of our journey. I hope that at the end of my journey I am silent in complete gratitude for all that God did through me. And I hope that those reflecting on my life don’t stay silent for long. I want the air filled with laughter and love and stories of a woman that lived with happiness and joy. Here’s to the silence; may it leave us with peace. And here’s to joy; may it never cease.
he hung the moon 