Forgiveness is a funny thing. We all need it, no question about that. But sometimes it’s pretty hard to get, and often even harder to give. I walked into Vaughn’s room today to find the contents from his dresser drawers on the floor of his room. Every drawer was empty. And I knew if I told him to put all his clothes back in the dresser, he’d never get it right and we’d end up with t-shirts in the shorts drawer, pajamas in the sock drawer and the underwear would probably end up on the fan. So I sat down on the floor, made a bunch of unnecessary huffing noises and muttered on about why can’t I have that one 4 year old that beats the odds and acts like an adult while Vaughn, very wisely, stood just out of arms reach explaining that he was trying to find his Scooby dooby doo pajamas. Which, by the way, were sitting on his bed. The whole time.
So, I spent the next twenty minutes refolding his clothes and putting them all back in the drawers from whence they came. When I was done I went in to Ellie’s room to find her being instructed by Vaughn on how to make her Minnie and Mickey dance together. “He takes her by the hand and twirls her like this. They dance for a while, then she says, ‘Why thank you, kind sir’. Then he leaves her and they go home to their mommies”. Instant forgiveness. What pile of clothes? He’s going to leave his Minnie and come home to his mommy! Wanna go empty your dresser drawers again? I’ll help!
I wish forgiving people was always that easy. I’ve had times in my life when I needed big-time forgiveness from people. I’ve done some pretty stupid and reckless things without thought of consequence and then expected forgiveness to flow as easily as my actions had. Of course, there have been times when forgiveness was withheld, grace denied. But I’m thankful those times have been few. For the most part, I’ve felt the love of a forgiving heart and know all too well the power of a grace-filled touch. Yet, when I’m the one that was hurt, I have, at times, found myself questioning whether the one that wronged me is worthy of forgiveness. I’ve been the one denying grace and in the process have denied myself relief from anger and bitterness, somehow convincing myself that I was proving a point and giving them what they deserve by hanging on to the hurt, the resentment, the betrayal. Which, obviously, didn’t help me. It didn’t help the person that did me wrong. And, it certainly didn’t fix the situation.
There’s been a lot of anger floating around the media this week at Lance Armstrong. We all know by now that he finally came clean to years of performance-enhancing drug use, which fuelled him to victory seven times in a row in the Tour de France. And, not only did he cheat himself to these wins, he bullied others on his team into doing the same and fought hard, nasty battles against anyone that dared tell the truth about his drug use. His years-long, arrogant fight to maintain his “clean” stance ended up shattering lives, ruining reputations, betraying his family and friends, and cost him his stake in the Livestrong foundation he created and held as dear to his heart as he did his own children. He’s finally come out with the truth, and has taken the first steps on a very long journey of reconciliation.
There are great, heavy consequences coming his way. He likely will not make peace with many of the people he hurt. The US Anti-Doping Agency has banned him for life from all elite competitions, which means he can’t even run in a 5k race if it is a sanctioned sporting event, a big blow for a sportsman like Lance Armstrong. He’ll never carry a multi-million dollar endorsement deal again, and anything noteworthy that he does from here on out will be questioned by everyone around him, including his family. The guy has fallen and he’s fallen hard. But I can’t wrap my head around why he shouldn’t be worthy of the same forgiveness and grace that the rest of us receive daily. What he did was wrong on so many levels and there is no doubt in anyone’s mind that he failed a lot of people in big ways. But, he has stepped forward and admitted with great candor and openness what he did, why he did it, how he is working to better himself, and has said that he is sorry. Who are we to judge what he is sorry for? Sorry he got caught? Of course, aren’t we all sorry we got caught when we are found to have done something wrong? Sorry he cheated, lied, betrayed, bullied? I truly hope that he is. However, it’s not up to me to judge that. What is up to me is to be a giver of grace. Easy to say about a guy that I have no personal connection to, and whose actions never affected me directly. But this whole debacle has brought me to a moment of pause and reflection for forgiveness in my own life. The times I’ve needed it and the times I’ve needed to give it. And it’s helped me to realize that I withhold it far too often. I speak of forgiveness and grace like both flow freely to whomever crosses me but the truth is I can hold a grudge with the best of them if the mood strikes.
I wish we could all let it go. Throw a little grace in the ring to Lance and leave him alone. He’s got a ton of heavy stuff to deal with. Believe me, a little grace from the world isn’t going to make his life full of sunshine and rainbows but maybe, just maybe, it will help the dawn to begin to break for him and his family. Maybe if he didn’t have to read all these articles filled with disgust and retribution and how he “needs to pay” and “deserves every ounce of hard times coming his way” he’d be able to see the punishments that have been handed out (we do remember that he has already been punished, right?) as opportunities to better himself. And maybe if his children didn’t have to read all the nasty comments and hate-filled posts flying around the magazines and internet they could focus on a father that is taking steps to measure up to the man they deserve him to be.
Every action we take has a consequence. Some of these consequences are rewarding, while others are punishing. All are a result of what we’ve done; they are not a reflection of who we are. Lance Armstrong has made many mistakes in his life, as have I. And as a result of my mistakes, I have had many opportunities to show the people around me that what I did is not who I am and I am choosing to offer that same opportunity to him. Grace. Forgiveness. It’s not only what we need to receive; it’s, more importantly, what we need to give.
he hung the moon 
Beautiful~”they are not a reflection of who we are”
Melissa,
While I have some pretty strong feelings about what Lance Armstrong is attempting to do I do not know that I am in position to offer him forgiveness. He has not wronged me that I am aware of. I honestly do not believe he is sincere. I believe in the near future he will apply to be reinstated is some way to compete in order to try to reestablish his kingdom. Regardless if that happens or not one major disturbing thing I have saw is that he has not taken one step to help the people whose lives he has ruined and there are many. He has offered neither money or support or a plan of any fashion to help them get back what he viscously took from them. Although many of those people who have proven to be truth tellers he is still at odds with them on some pretty serious issues; thus I do not believe he “has come clean” Maybe just washed up a little.
I do think when we have wronged someone we should seek forgiveness. I also think we should attempt to make amends if we can. Our being punished is not making amends to the person wronged. Punishment is just another consequence of where his actions have taken him. We should look for ways to make right our wrongs in what ever way may be possible. Sometimes it is not.
That being said I agree with you about forgiveness. I have placed myself time and again in need of it. Sometimes I have been extended grace and sometimes not. I do believe I am more forgiving due to my need for forgiveness. I also realize unforgiveness leads to bitterness in my soul and hurts me. I listened to a lovely story about a lady who forgave the man who killed her daughter. The commentator asked her if the forgiveness was a step in her healing process. She said she believed that the only way to heal was to forgive. To not forgive allows the person who hurt you to continue to hurt you. You do not have to have the other person sorry to forgive them; it helps but it not required. We also have to try hard not to be offended. We too often let ourselves be hurt needlessly. Extend the grace you are talking about before hurt descends upon your soul.
Melissa at times we have to give up our right to hurt to be able to move past it to forgive. We at times do have the right to hurt; to be angry at; to withhold our grace but long term it does no one good to hold on to that right. What do you think?
I think you are right in everything you said. My first thoughts when watching his interview were ones that questioned his motives and sincerity. He shouldn’t even be entertaining the thought of wanting to race again, and he is. He should be talking about what he is going to do for the lives he ruined, and he isn’t. But watching him speak about his children is what got me. He has a lot of work to do and I hope he does everything he can to make financial reconciliation with the people that his lies destroyed. Those people deserve much more than he will be able to give, I’m afraid. But, I have to be a believer in grace. And while I might feel differently if I was one of the people affected by Lance’s actions, I hope that, even they, can find some semblance of grace in their hearts for him. He is asking a lot of people right now. People close to the situation, people of the media, people in the public arena that have been loyal supporters. But it’s the little people that call him dad that need to believe in a man that is remorseful and is working to make things right and also in a world that is willing to give him the grace he needs to do just that. That’s my hope. That it isn’t about publicity, or rebuilding his career, or being able to make more money. I hope that he truly does commit to doing the hard work to become the person that he would want his children to be.
I stand with you in that hope.